Tuesday, May 26, 2009

life after dark

Moving day tomorrow (well, later today). Packing isnt so bad when it all has to go, but it's difficult for me to go through all my stuff and decide what I'll need for a couple months and what can stay. The apartments have visiting hours for boys and a no alcohol policy. Therefore it will be just like living here in tulsa with the parents. (Not that my parents would care if I had boys or friends over, but since most everyone in my classes are either married with kids or act like they're 19, there aren't many friends to be had here). Yep, thats right, I moved back in with the parents. I dont really mind living at home. I'm an only child whose parents both work full time, so I get the house to myself a lot. Plus I love to cook and now there's someone to eat all the food. But I've lived here for almost a year and when I moved it I thought that would be how long I'd stay here, well now its looking like another year. I feel like I'm standing on the edge between falling into a slump and knowing my future plans and goals.

Usually I love summer, but this summer I am scared. I'm scared because I read my summer research proposal for OUHSC and have no idea what it says. Its like martian language. I've been told by previously chosen summer students this is to be expected and not to worry. The Mentors and host labs understand we are not PhDs in immunology, but I still worry. I don't want to be that one student that had to be spoon fed the entire summer. I'm scared because I've been assigned a roommate for my apartment. Not a big deal right? It is for me. Quite honestly I have no idea how to make small talk and am not very good a making friends. I never know what to talk about. It's gotten worse since I stopped (or at least slowed down) my gossiping. I'm scared because I really truely have to apply to medical this summer and take the mcat july 2. Well, I think I have to apply. I am still uncertian what I want to do with the rest of my life. I dont know if I want to be a doctor or not. Am I just scared to not get an acceptance or scared to fail out if I do get accepted? That would be humiliating. There is so much to do and I still dont know. Applications open June 1 and I still havent written my personal statement. True story. I have also not studied very much for the mcat. Am I setting myself up for failure? Perhaps. Mostly I am just scared of change. There will be new expectations for me this summer. I have to actually remember all the stuff I "learned" for my degree. I have to enter the grown-up world (sort of). I have a real job with actual expectations other than bringing people food. I truely believe all that stuff about how everything happens for a reason, your life is your responsibility and that every experience is there to teach you something.

We'll see how it goes.

p.s. I am totally stealing Callie's quote and picture idea!

And if tonight my soul may find her peacein sleep, and sink in good oblivion,and in the morning wake like a new-opened flowerthen I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.~D.H. Lawrence

1 comment:

  1. im confused about why those apartments have silly rules! but i hope to see you soon!


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